Monday, February 24, 2014

Dog of Steel

I am discouraged this week.  It seems Nessarose is in the midst of a new rise in popularity.  She's suddenly been deemed clever, and kind, and useful.  ( previously she has only been discussed as irritating, neurotic, and awkward.)  It even seems she is to be give the title of Superdog. Apparently she had a supporting role alongside Superman in the new 2013 version of the classic.  Then my new Scottish cousin, Macdonwold tried to run away the minute he got home, and Nessarose was called to the rescue.  Apparently she was brilliant and heroic and sensitive!  She saved the day coaxing the terrified bedraggled puppy back into the shelter of the car.  She has even taken to wearing a cape and Leah has told everyone she is from the planet Krypton. She also insists that Nessarose can fly.
Baa! Does this look like the face of a heroic super pet to you?  She's wearing my cape! My cape.
 And she is staring so awkwardly. Now that we have Supernessa, no one even wants to hear about SMOD ( the squishy muffin of doom, my superhero alter-ego). I will admit I cannot fly, or even jump very high. However I certainly could have rescued Macdonwold.  After all- I was born speaking perfect Scottie.  I also could have taught him about peeing outside in about 2 minutes.  Nessarose failed to do this properly!
Now- compare to my superhero portrait.  Notice the agressive forward lean, the noble expression, the focused look!
Long story short:  I was left alone during the Macdonwold crisis for hours!  Whilst Nessarose was given every opportunity of heroism.  I was forced to stay home and wait,  alone, isolated, and uncertain of my future. So I ate the crotch out of Leah's favorite pair of tights.  This seemed only fair.
On a more somber note.  The Doe Deer has returned. Conditions being as they are it is almost impossible to make proper patrols. I am unable to navigate well in the deep crunchy snow. It is an effort to properly mark the entire yard.  I have been exhausted and ill-rewarded for my efforts.  Nesssarose seems to be the favorite dog, though I still get more meat in my kibble.
On the bright-side, my new film, "Hamish is a Real Real Dog", has gone into pre-production. (Title subject to change.) We have Kelly on board for costume and artistic direction.  Harvan productions will be producing and handling cinematography and film editing.  We are making changes daily to the current screenplay.  Leah insists upon expanding Nessarose's role in the film. I don't see why this is at all necessary.  The whole point of doing the film is for us to meet Oprah.  Leah says Oprah no longer hosts a talk show and I should be aiming for the Ellen show.  Or even Jimmy Fallon.  I have no idea who this Falcon person is.  But I dislike raptors.  Ellen would be worthwhile, but she's not Oprah.  Leah says including Nessarose in the film will give it greater depth.  Casting has been a battle from day one as Leah and I completely disagree on many points.  She says we will never get David Bowie to sign on.  Ridiculous.  He will be honored.  I will ask him myself. Besides- if Nessarose is such a superdog why doesn't she just "wrinkle" her way over to Henry Cavill and get him to play in our picture also. I call humbug on everyone.
I intend to sulk wholeheartedly until the balance of power is properly restored. I may also pee in Leah's slippers.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Doe Deer

It seems my complaints of melting snow and no winter were premature, since mother nature has decided to really sock it to us.  The ground has been snow covered and the temperatures well below freezing for almost a month now. The snow is now taller than me, though it has a thick coating of ice allowing both Nessarose and myself to skid freely across the surface. I was nervous of that at first- since falling through the crusty ice is sharp and painful.  However the persistent cold seems to have set the ice like a frozen lake and we can "skate" across confidently.
Most importantly a Doe Deer has invaded the backyard. She gets in through the hole in our pool fence and has been helping herself to the shrubs along the back porch.  Needless to say this is a declaration of war. Leah and Nessarose both advocate a truce. I refuse any talk of compromise.  This Doe Deer simply must leave and never come back.  I have taken up an exhausting, unwavering vigil.  When the others run indoors out of the cold and snow I stand watch on the back porch, ready to chase this trespasser off!  I only turn indoors when summoned for food and sleep, and most necessary canoodling.  My efforts paid off as there have been no deer tracks or poo for days ( disappointing for Nessarose who seems to be a big fan of the frozen poosicles.) Unfortunately my blogging has suffered since my energies were consumed elsewhere in the midst of this crisis. I admit some slight disappointment that this Doe Deer has failed to give battle.  I can only think that my terrifying baying, and constant vigilance frightened her off. Well, I have done my duty.
Now I can turn my thoughts to more intellectual pursuits, and matters of greater consequence.  For example: framing Nessarose for destroying the bathroom garbage,  do all dogs really go to heaven?  is it best to lick one's feet clean or merely to suck them?
Ed was here to visit us again.  He feeds many more  treats then Leah, and is generally more fun to lounge about with.  Though he is not much for canoodling.  But we have excellent conversations about all manner of man-business.  He is much easier to talk to as he speaks Scotty fluently, so there is no need to translate to English.  I have tried to teach Leah my language but she finds the sound of it annoying so I have given up and accepted that I have to use English.  I know that she is very jealous when Ed and I speak in front of her, as she can't understand, so I mostly talk to Ed when she is not looking.
Progress is steady as to the arrival of my new niece/ nephew.  I suggested that they cook the thing faster, but Leah says this is not possible and I will just have to wait until August.
On a happy note my Scottish cousin MacDonwold will be arriving in less than two weeks.  He will speak my language naturally and we will certainly be good friends, as long as  he doesn't pounce on my head.  I hate it when puppies pounce on my head, and I will bite him if he does it. I don't care if he's family. I don't have to be nice to dogs that pounce on my head.
It is cozy in the house on the sofa.  Nessarose is upside down on the armchair.  I am to bed.