Sunday, July 28, 2013


We are in the thick of it now.  Summer. Mid- July brought the seemingly obligatory week of painful scorching heat at the HITS horse show in Saugerties, NY.  I spent the better part of a week shamefully tied to the edge of a horse stall inside of a baking aluminum barn. Temperatures were near 100 degrees each day, with only a fan to offer any relief from the heat.  Most cruel and unusual was of course being confined approximately 30 yards from a very green, slimy -looking, wonderful-smelling pond!!  I could have contentedly wallowed there all day in that heat.  Instead I could do little more than gaze longingly out the barn door in that direction, while observing several large muskrats busying themselves in and around the pond.  No happy hunting for me!  Of course Nessarose in her usual neurotic way managed to endlessly entwine our leashes, even managing to pull the fan down on one occasion.  Cheyenne nearly lost a hand trying to right the thing.  I guess that's what comes of living with aliens among us.
The horror of a  Leash

We did manage some nice visiting time in the evenings.  We got an excellent night of cavorting with new dogs at Stella Farm, and another evening in the country with Sa Bom Nim Falanga.  She is the human of  Cha-gi, another great oracle of the dog kindgdom. Cha-gi is a french bulldog.  The creases of his snout hold smells so rare and profound, few dogs will ever experience them.  It is always an honor to bask in his presence.  Although he would not follow us into the house,  instead trying for hours to rouse the group into a game with the jolly ball.  To no avail- we were  taken home without any jollies or balls.

Of course we always stay with Leah's friend Elaine when we visit Saugerties.  Elaine lives with a chocolate lab named Wellington. He is a baboon.  But, his house is always full of lovely bones, and he shares well. 

We are once again home and snug in the old farm house. The heat broke this week and I must admit the weather has been totally fabulous!  I am sure this loll in the usual summer oppression won't last but it has been a most pleasant relief. We had an outing at the Whittmore Sanctuary on Friday evening. Nessarose and I had an excellent time frolicking in the creek, and the cloudy watering hole alongside it. Nessarose actually dove for rocks.  I was content to paddle around carelessly and enjoy the cool.  On the downside- we are over-run with strange hopping insects known as cave crickets.  I am including a picture:
It may actually be larger than this in real-life.  Leah is paralyzed with fear by these creatures.  I have slain several....not much to brag about really since they don't move very fast and are fairly easy to clop to death with a heavy paw.
Most importantly I went for my headshots.  Of course it was not explained to me that we were having joint photos done with Nessarose.   It was somewhat confusing at first, as there was a strange man with a camera and he kept making weird farting noises with his mouth.  I kept looking at Leah for guidance,  she wanted us to sit on this blue sheet.  It wasn't very comfortable so I kept hopping off and trying to get under the furniture.  But Leah seemed to want Nessarose and I beside each other on the sheet.  Nessarose kept panicking and leaping at the camera-man.  Regardless he got nearly 100 photos of us. After a great deal of deliberation Leah managed to choose 7 pictures.  They will be ready for pick-up next weekend.  I will of course share them when they arrive.  I shall have to get used to these photo-ops if I am to be famous.  I think I will appear very good in print.  The pictures definately capture my intelligence, as well as my exceptional good looks....Of course Leah purchased special gourmet cookies for us on the way home, and we had pig-ears.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

SMOD: The Squishy Muffin of Doom

I hate to overstate the obvious, but I have yet again been subjected to the horror of bathing and grooming.  Observe:
Humans just refuse to understand the importance of a carefully developed patina.  It takes weeks of hard work.  One does not simply go out and roll in the first patch of grass or pile of poo.  Each layer of the patina needs to be carefully considered, for though the main purpose is to radiate a lovely odor,  this can only be achieved if each layer is chosen in part for its greasiness and stickiness so as to retain the odor.  Not to mention no terrier worth his salt should be soft and puffy and smell of bathing oils.  It's just plain vile!
On the bright side, Leah has decided that I am to be famous.  She says the grooming is necessary as I am being scheduled for my professional headshots.  She also says that patinas are not captured in photographs, though I am wont to disagree with her.  I think film captures the stink of a dog quite effectively.  But I digress- Headshots. yes.  I am to be famous...Leah says she's sick and tired of being the only breadwinner in the family ( we don't even get any of the bread?) So I am to go into the world and seek my fortune.
I have a plan.  Fame.  Everyone will read my blog and appreciate my genius, and it will only be a matter of time before Oprah declares me to be great.  Then she will come and see us in our everyday state of being and she will introduce us to the multitudes.  I will be adored!  I will be beloved! I will be beatified, deified...the world will fall at my feet! Then I will truly be the 8th wonder of the world.
I will of course also be rich. And with my riches I will save lost dogs everywhere and possibly little girls.  I think little girls are a worthy cause.  They are most likely to offer morsels and tidbits to dogs like me :)
Leah is quite taken with something called "the Girl Effect."  I must concur.  The little girl effect of dropping crumbs of food to adorable dogs like me.
Of course all good celebrities need a name.  Our friend Katherin Hewitt quite graciously helped to create my name ( and of course by default my public persona) during Hurricane Sandy when we were all living in the living room together to keep warm.  She named me the SQUISHY MUFFIN OF DOOM ( it sounds best with a bit of reverberation...) or the SMOD for short.  I will have hats and t-shirts made to sell for the cause. I would much preferred to have been the Oracle of Doom.  But SMOD seems to have stuck.  "Doom" is of course meant in the old fashioned sense of "fate."
Nessarose is not eligible for fame as she is an awkward starer and it puts people off.
Please contact my human to make donations to the cause of my fame or to purchase novelty items.  Thank you.

Friday, July 5, 2013

The Oracle

I barely have the energy to dictate this post, as I frolicked to the point of exhaustion yesterday.  Today was terribly hot, and then I was left home alone and unfed while Leah went gallavanting off to the pub!  I am so weak I should certainly be resting on a cushion......

but I can't disappoint, and there is much to say.
We traveled all the way to Fiamma's for Independence Day.  (That's independence from England.  A very powerful planet of old, full of dog-lovers and connected to Scotland.  I am of course Scottish.  So I don't really understand why we had to be independent, but Leah says independence is a good thing.  She also says that I am willfully independent. I am not sure what the alternative is....Can one be independent any other way?)
Fiamma's home houses the Oracle of Joy.  J.J. is an aged Dachsund.  He is blind and deaf.  And I am quite certain he is the happiest dog living.  His tail wags with a purity of spirit akin to the Buddha.  He is always at peace.  I tend toward melancholy, so myself I view the Oracle as one of my greatest mentors. He greeted us warmly even dragging his decrepit self out of his bed and into the heat to partake in the joy of the day.  He lives on 20 beautiful mostly wooded acres in Chappaqua NY.  There's a swimming pool,  a tennis court, a garden (with excellent bushes for hunting and marking), and a beautiful stone deck perfect for cooling one's belly on hot sticky days.  The entire property is fenced and set back from the road, so Leah stopped worrying about Nessarose and I wandering into the road and turned us loose to frolic freely!!  ALL EVENING! 
So I set about on the very important business of examining the grounds and the house thoroughly,  so as to inspect for any dangers ( dragons). First I peed on at least one tire of every car parked in the drive. Then I marked all the plants immediately adjacent to the house.  By then the humans had said their hellos and kissed and shaken hands, so we were invited into the house for a tour.  Of course we paid our respects to the Oracle immediately.  Leah shared cookies between us all and we had an excellent long sniff of his butt.  Fiamma gave Leah and Angus a tour of the entire house.  Nessarose of course ran ahead of them the whole way, always afraid she'll be shut behind a door. I know better and lingered behind to fully take in all the smells the Oracle and his disciples had left behind.  ( He has several disciples who live with him part time,  Max and Maya- two siberian huskies, Princess Charlotte, a lab mix rescued by Fiamma. And a new chihuahua I have not yet met.)
I carefully left a drop or two of pee in every room as a sign of utmost respect to the Oracle. He is a most gracious host.  Then the tour was over and we were off!
I marked the garden thoroughly, and the edge of the tennis court. I was careful to pace myself and visit the pool for drinking often( it's the biggest water bowl ever!) so as to keep lots of fluid on board. 20 acres is a lot of territory to cover!
Nessarose on the other hand went Ballistic.  She ran around like a lunatic and within the first 20 minutes her tongue was hot pink and hanging all the way out of her mouth, like a deranged hyena.  Once the humans started swimming in the pool she completely lost her mind.  She ran in circles round the outside of the pool chasing splashes of water, barking at the people, trying to herd them out of the pool...for approximately two hours.  She only fell into the pool twice, usually she's in and out numerous times as she misjudges where the edge is in her effort to herd the humans.  It was clear this morning that she had seriously outdone herself as she limped down the driveway to the barn sophistication whatsoever....
Bubbles arrived with her human Morgan later in the evening.  If the Oracle is a Grand Master of Joy, then Bubbles is the rung below as a Mistress of Joy.  She is of course clever enough to have only joined in the pool mania briefly.  We had a good long roll in the grass together.
I was fed several hot dogs and the fatty bit of a steak no humans wanted to finish. Fiamma's boyfriend Joe is an excellent grillman.  The joy of the day so overwhelmed me that I allowed myself to be videotaped performing a trick for food. Normally I would not allow proof of the humiliating, demeaning ritual of dogs performing tricks for  food, but in the spirit of the Oracle and his aura of happiness I felt compelled, so I did an excellent bear dance and I am including it here.  I am man-dog enough to be okay with this.   I am NOT a performing monkey.  I am not.

Monday, July 1, 2013

I have arrived on Facebook

It has been 4 years, 1 month, and 8 days since my fourth birthday.  At that time I requested my own facebook page.  FINALLY  it has arrived.  Perhaps my promised eight birthday present (a subscription to O-magazine) will arrive before I am too old to enjoy it!  That said....I am positively elated that I will now be able to network and share with the entire facebook community.  It is about time after all.  I intend to throw myself full force into my "how to" segments.  I have already liked Oprah's fan page, and shall revel in the opportunity to follow her posts. Furthermore opportunities will abound for public shaming of my human for bad behavior:
buying the wrong cookies
hogging the pillows
touching me with her feet
allowing random friends and acquaintances to pick me up and somehow believing that I enjoy this
putting me in the pool
bathing me
feeding me dry food with no meat
rushing my pooping ritual....

the list is endless.  Humans are extremely difficult to train and control. Public humiliation is an excellent tool for the literate and sophisitcated among us.  Nessarose doesn't speak with words, she only stares.  She has resorted to other methods of control, such as tipping over the trash and eating Leah's panties.  My method is much more effective.  With facebook as a platform I am assured of a much greater success rate. More on this later.

Angus is leaving us.  Which is fine with me since we don't ever get to sleep with him.  What's the point of that?
I am hoping to avoid a summer haircut and bath.  My patina has not yet recovered from the last stripping episode.