Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Worked like a charm. steps are back in place. mild scolding, still got breakfast. but i lost blogging priveleges for two days. totally worth it!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Life as a Football

Few are aware of the particular difficulties relating to being roughly the size of a football. i am only 12 inches high, and my legs only about 4 inches long.

most important, a small dog must do everything in his power to convince others that he is in fact a very big dog. i employ many tactics. these include my "big dog" voice, accompanied by an assortment of ferocious growling and snarling noises- these are especially effective in fierce games of tug-of-war. i have out-tugged many opponents with the sheer ferocity of the noises i can make! this, however, is really a topic for another evening. i want to discuss operation" return the steps to the bed."

see the other major disadvantage to being the size of a football: human pick you up all the time. this is not so bad, sometimes, if they know how to lift and carry you, but most of the time it involves a lurching hoist via the armpits, followed by suspension from one arm, while my posterior dangles unsupported. not only is this extremely uncomfortable, it is also rather undignified! to add insult to injury, there are a number of occasions which require the human to pick me up! due to my short stature and even shorter legs, i cannot jump very high. this means that in a number of situations, i have to be lifted: into the pick-up, onto the bed. how utterly embarassing. i mean, really. totally humiliating.

i've learned how to get into the pick-up on my own. i can jump up near the pedals, and then up onto the seat. this has not solved the problem with the bed. i've tried to perfect my technique, and once in a while i successfully make the leap, but it's just high enough that more often than not, my attempts result in an undignified back flip or belly flop. not only is this embarassing, it is also painful.

so i have embarked on a mission to reclaim my dignity! no more requiring human arms just to go to sleep at night! ( don't any one even dare suggest that i sleep on the floor. that's no place for a clever terrier like myself- only dogs lacking in all their faculties would agree to sleep on the floor. we have every right to share the bed with the humans! i even have my own pillow.)

see- leah used to keep the steps for the hot tub at the foot of the bed, so that i could come and go as i please. in the last major house cleaning ( which resulted by the way, in a foul smelling residence. why do humans insist that bleach and lysol smell good? ) the steps were replaced by the hot tub, and they have yet to return to the bed. my mission, in my own subtle way, shall result in the return of the steps to the bed.

i began last night. phase 1: start by going to bed before leah. she usually falls asleep on the sofa around 11 or so. when she wakes up at 11:30 or 12: nessa and i have our final late night pee, and then we go to bed. in this phase i simply insist on going to bed ahead of schedule. instead of snuggling on the couch with leah, i will head for bed around the time she is dozing off. just when i sense she is nodding off... i let out a sharp bark followed by a low rumbling whine, ending with a whimper. last night this wasn't quite enough. leah simply called out from the couch, " Hamish! are you kidding me, come back here and snuggle, it's too early for bed." my retort- several sharp barks, again followed by the low whine, ending in whimper.

well that did the trick. she got up, boosted me into the bed, scolding me the whole time, and calling me a very spoiled, manipulative, bratty little dog. but she stroked my little feet the whole time, and then she kissed me.

tonight is phase 2. i will get her up off the couch the same way, but when she calls us for our late night pee, i will not get out of bed to go. in the middle of the night, maybe around 3 or 4- i will get up out of the bed, and i will pee by the front door. then i will come back over to the bed, and guess what! 2 or 3 sharp barks, followed by a low whine ending in whimper! ha! it may take several attempts to wake her. but she will pull me back in to the bed, and scold me again.

when she finds the pee in the morning, she will be mad, and i will be severely scolded and shoved out the door without any breakfast. she'll probably go out and move the steps to the bed before she even makes her cup of tea. she'll forgive me before lunch time, and probably feed me part of her sandwich anyway.

if' i'm really lucky, my sister, nessarose, will get blamed for the pee anyway.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I don't know how to type in a whisper. but it's very important to be very very quiet. operation "return the steps to the bed" is starting tonight. ssshhhh! i may be very small, but i am full of mischief, hee hee hee.

leah might read this before she goes to bed, so i can't say anything more. but i am a very clever,sneaky, spoiled little dog. sometimes i even outwit myself. no dog has ever been more clever and sneaky. oh , i am just totally enthralled with myelf.

i'm going to get a tummy rub now, before leah falls asleep on the couch.

details tomorrow...

Friday, November 13, 2009

i got up early today. it takes the entire day to get dirty. when leah washes me she actually uses soap and makes me dry with a towel. yuck. everyone knows that grass and sand dries you better than any towel. i usually go in the fish pond and then i really roll around on the sand driveway. then i run over in the grass and rub my face in it. like plowing snow. with my head. that way the sand burrs and little cypress bits can get really ground in to my beard, eyebrows, and ears.

then i'm ready to go dragon hunting(lizards) in the manure pit. after that i smell soooo good. it's just delicious. nessa and i smell each other because it's so lovely!

of course leah makes us wash and dry with the towel before we're allowed in the house. then she stole the only spot on the couch with a pillow! now i'm lying upside down with my head in her lap and she's peeling sand burrs and weeds out of my beard. i hope she gets up soon so i can have the pillow back. i'll have to get dirty all over again tomorrow. she just doesn't get it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The 8th Wonder

I am the 8th wonder of the world. i know this because leah tells me so nearly everyday. i have no idea who the first 7 are. she once mentioned someone named taj. but i've never been invited to play with him.

i was born may 22nd 2005. my father is a famous adventurer and slayer of dragons ( i think these are a larger version of lizard. i am also an adventurer and slayer of lizards- which are really just little dragons. so we are a family of dragon-slayers!) his name is bilbo baggins, and he is a hobbit. which makes me half of a hobbit. this sounds about right since hobbits are short with stout builds and large hairy feet. i am short, stout, with large hairy feet. my mother is named for an irish drinking song- the barley mo. i hate to speculate as to what this says about her family tree...

of course i don't remember my parents at all. i've lived with leah since i was 9 weeks old. i thought a little personal history would be useful for this project, so i swiped my birth certificate and asked leah to look up my parents. that's how i know how important bilbo was, and that my mother was probably a heavy drinker. the only mystery to me is that i am somehow scottish. maybe that's what happens when you cross an english hobbit with an irish lady. regardless.

my first name was brutus. leah changed it to hamish. hamish mcdougall mcduff. she says that this sounds much more scottish. to me it sounds like tug of war! grrr, grrr, ruff, ruff, arrr... i'm also known as hammy, hamlet, manlet, the haminator, danish hamish, hamster, hamel, pork chop, fatty, and little butt.

for my 4th birthday this past may i requested a facebook page. i'd been angling to get one since the holidays last december, but leah is technologically challenged. well my birthday came and went. finally about a week ago- she told me i could start my own blog! this means i get to share all my dragon adventures with whoever tunes in. i can also share secrets about cheese, and steak, and beef jerky.

on second thought, i'm not going to share any of those secrets.

so. from the information i've gathered i am a 4 years old hobbit/ scottish terrier. my humans are leah and ed. i have two siblings. my older sister ,nessarose, is a blue heeler. but i googled her too, and she is actually the wicked witch of the east. she comes from another planet called OZ. she's also on broadway in a play called "wicked-" how appropriate! she has telekinetic powers, can jump really really high, and speaks in her own language. i think she can also teleport. she's obsessed with garbage cans. my older brother, revel, is a french warmblood. he's the biggest dog i've ever seen. leah says when dogs get really big like that we call them horses. so i guess revel is a horse. leah has a lot of horses. it's very important not to let on that i am smaller than them. when they come toward me or put their heads over their doors i make a lot of big barking and grring noises. to fool them. it has worked so far. everyone thinks that i'm as big as a horse.

leah's starting to do the dishes, which means it's almost time for bed. ed went away to missouri, which is some sort of other planet. he's probably never coming home. bad news, since he gives a lot more cookies than leah and he tells me what a big important man-dog i am. ( he also says that i am not the 8th wonder of the world, and tells leah to stop emasculating me with so much attention and tummy rubbing. i don't know what that means either. she says the vet emasculated me when i was 6 months old and she can't fix that now.)