Friday, July 18, 2014

O Horrible! Part Deux

When opportunity knocks, one must be prepared to embrace it fully, no matter the consequence.  So, recently stripped of my excellent rotting animal cologne, the arrival of a marauding skunk seemed a most fateful occurrence.  I know it is unusual for me to post back to back blogs such as these, but such an extraordinary turn of events cannot pass by unmentioned.
To think- a deliciously vile dead-thing to roll in, my patina mocked, my coat scrubbed clean, and only  a day later a wayward skunk visits us at the farm.  I could not wish for a more perfect set of circumstances.  The gods must indeed be smiling!
Such a wonderful animal a skunk, truly!  To be sure, there is some discomfort and trauma in donning the mantle of the skunk's aroma.  No matter how much one wishes to acquire its scent,  the physical moment of spraying is always a shock. Of course there is almost no way of avoiding contact with the eyes.  This is most unpleasant, but readily resolved with some vigorous eye rubbing and paw licking.   The skunk's pungent odor is unlike all others in its unique ability to linger.  No amount of bathing, scrubbing, scouring, soaping, scraping, wringing, washing, can eliminate it totally.  It will only fade over time.  Months after a spraying one may still detect the faint odor of skunk on a damp wet day.  Sublime!
Sublime indeed though most definitely lacking in subtlety.  On the heels of the rotting animal incident described the day before last, I had fully intended to seek out a more refined material to begin my new Patina.  Usually if I add odor covertly and incrementally, Leah's poor sense of smell keeps her from taking any great offense for quite some time.
But a skunk!! Who could resist it?  Please don't think any less of me. I am after all only Canine. A marauding skunk nevertheless!  It was prowling about the yard near the trash ( neatly set out for pick-up).  There was nothing to be done but give chase to it!  The thing would only rifle through the garbage and make a mess.  I pursued it, vigorously running headfirst into its mystical, ripe, oily spray.  It simply could not have been avoided.
I admit it burned my eyes something fierce!  But I am a TERRIER!  A Scotch one at that, descended of a long line of dragon-slayers, Patina wearer extraordinaire!  The burning would subside.
Unfortunately in the heat of the moment I did not think through to my Human's feelings on the matter.  I should have thought it out better after the incident the previous day regarding my lux scent of decaying rot. To the point: Leah is most displeased.  I have been bathed thrice already.  Last night I was shut in the hall until a naked Leah placed me, at arm's length, in the bathtub.  There I was vigorously scrubbed and lathered, my human in nothing but a pair of dishwashing gloves, trying to remove the skunk's oily residue from my face.  Today I received an extra special bath with Leah's de-skunking potion ( an odd mixture of peroxide/ baking soda/ dish-washing soap), and then another bath with regular shampoo.
Alas, bless the poor Skunk. Perhaps he shall inherit the earth, for though my stench is greatly diminished it lingers still!! Having lost its thickness, the aroma no longer hovers and hangs and rises from my person, but if you lean in close it will most definitely grab you!  I look forward to a morning soon when the air is humid and damp, I wander inside from my morning roll in the dew and Leah bends down to pet me, then she pulls back "oh god Hamish!  even after all this time you still smell of skunk!" Hahaha...This Patina won't be removed so readily.  I will gladly suffer the many baths of the next week in order to savor that moment when she realizes....It's still there....

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

O Horrible!

"O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible! 
 If thou hast nature in thee, bear it not; 
Let not the royal bed of Macdonish Hamwald be 
A couch for luxury and damned cleanliness. 
But, howsoever thou pursuest this act, 
Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive 
Against thy Human aught: leave her to heaven "

O Hamlet! You know not how much your words touch my soul!  Damned human!

I have been carefully re-crafting my Patina since my bathing and shaving for the movie ( a most necessary evil in the name of the creative enterprise).  Today I found the most glorious gooey deadness to roll in.  It completed the Patina quite excellently, not only lending me the most magnificent of aromas, but coating my neck, back and collar in a beautiful black sticky glaze of odiferous, gorgeous ROT! 
I knew there was a problem almost immediately, as Leah called me to the house with the words "stop rolling in death and get over here RIGHT NOW!" 
I didn't hurry mind you, but when I finally arrived in the house I was greeted with an "Oh god Hamish!  You stink." Since this was the desired outcome I was most pleased until the statement which followed...."that's the worst thing I have ever smelled." Worst!?!?  BEST!  Best thing you have ever smelled!  There is absolutely nothing better than the thick, heavy patina of rotting animal. It is better than all other things combined. Worst thing she ever smelled...Hrumpf.
I was immediately marched to the wash-rack and tethered where I was unceremoniously stripped of my fabulous new Patina.  The whole while Leah saying "EEEEW! Oh my god Hamish that is so gross.  What is all over you? Oh no it's all over your collar. DISGUSTING!"
It cannot be helped I suppose that Leah appears to have no sense of smell whatsoever. We all have our cross to bear, and none of us can be perfect. It is tedious to be so involved with someone who has such poor taste in odors.  Creating an acceptable patina has become a real chore.  Clearly I went too extreme on this occasion.  I will have to work the more subtle route henceforth.
Below is a double self- portrait - a gesture of good will to my human. I love you in-spite of your poor taste.
Selfportrait 2

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Leah & the Real Dog

Champagne was poured.  The red- carpet was rolled out.  The tikki torches lit, paper lanterns in the trees, speeches were made. The sun set and the movie played!  Leah & the Real Dog premiered Monday night to universal acclaim.  The Forty minute short film met with thundering applause as the final credits rolled.  The verdict:  It's a smashing success, a blockbuster, a hit! "Head-spinning, a Mirthful film!" wrote Sarah Maslin Nir.
I am still processing emotions.  The intensity of the experience is still too close for me to write about it now.  I am including here several photographs from my personal portrait photographer, Dr. Mark Epstein ( also my voice in the film). You will also see the link to the newspaper article from the Hunterdon Democrat written by New York Times reporter Sarah Maslin Nir.
The movie is posted on the link, so you can see it there. Though we may very well show it again this summer.
kilt couture
my inimatble style!

cast and crew


 Here's the link to our glowing review:
Tewksbury-produced film celebrates big screen premiere!

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Premier Looms

Many of you are I am sure acutely aware of my conspicuous absence these days.  I can only stress that it is solely in the name of art that I have not been blogging lately.  The making of my film "Leah & the Real Dog" and the planning of its premier have consumed every iota of time not already devoted to sleeping and canoodling. Many hours have been spent in the production room and I am fiercely proud to say: It is a Masterpiece! If you have not been invited to the premier, please understand,  I couldn't invite everyone. If you are invited and not attending, then you are, quite simply, unworthy. This short film will change your life.  It has already changed mine!
There is a great deal of buzz surrounding the film.  Rumor has it Nessarose may get an Oscar nod.  Of course without the brilliant writing and directing of this film she could not have pulled off such an intensely emotional performance. The trailer was released to Ellen, and I fully expect to hear from her any day now.
It is difficult to speak about the film without giving too much away, so I will remain silent on this subject until after the release this Monday.
On a completely different note: Leah and I, after much discussion have agreed that the Scots have evolved to the highest attainable level of adorableness in the canine kingdom.  The Scottish Deerhound, the Scottish Terrier, the Cairn Terrier, even the Westie- these dogs and others must get credit for bringing Adorable to a new height. Borzois, Afghan Hounds, even Salukis may be more highly evolved in pure elegance, but no one possessed of any kind of sense could argue the Scottish dog's preeminence in the cute and smushy category. Our good friend Colleen suggested the Dachshund in the running, and though they are masters at performing the perfect doughnut, they lack the scruffiliciousness of the Scottish breeds.  This has to place them behind the Scottish dog in the run for smushable cuteness.  To quote the great Mike Myers- "If it's not Scottish It's Crrrrap!!!"
I expect after the premier I will have vastly more time to devote to these important philosophical matters, the preeminence of the Scottish dog being only the tip of the iceberg.  I hope to delve deep into some of the deeper matters touched upon in the film, such as the epidemic of dog-like creatures from outer space, as well as the inner-workings of the human mind and the very confusing and complex matter of Cats.  Why do they exist? Also, does cheese bring us closer to Nirvana?

I look forward to seeing everyone at the premier!  This is THE absolute IT event of the summer.  Don't miss it.