Monday, February 18, 2013

It's been a peaceful week with a conspicuous lack of mischief. There was even a glimmer of the impending springtime when the weather almost reached 60 degrees! Of course I fell through a sharp bit of ice and cut my foot between my first and second toe.  Really no more than a kind of split cuticle, but Leah was quite horrified by it, so I have received lots of extra attention and on Sunday night Leah came home with a hamburger for Nessarose and I to share. Today we had a long nap on the sofa in a puppy pile. I got to lie in the sun in the yard for a long while- my own little slice of heaven. Leah says I have to have a haircut because I am bringing too much dirt in the house. As long as I don't have to have a bath as well. I have escaped bathing these last few months on account of the cold weather and Leah's general apathy.  This has afforded me the opportunity to develop an unusual patina. This carefully built up coating gives me the most wonderful odor. I without a shadow of a doubt smell the best I have ever smelled in all my seven years. A bath would be a minor tragedy at this time! Oh well... I am too contented right now on Leah's lap to plan any great adventures.   Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

This is one of my favorite days of the year.  Closing night at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.... 2011 was the pinnacle of my existence when the elegant beautiful "Sadie" won Best in Show!  Alas....what are we watching tonight?  The State of the Union Address.  Humans. Ugh.
So in the spirit of patriotism-  I submit my own "State of the Union (union of the great and glorious states and activities of the one and only....Hamish McDougall McDuff. )
2013 is off to a fabuolous start.  First we stayed home in New Jersey for the winter, where there has already been a good helping of snow (my personal
favorite) and the weather has remained wonderfully cool.  So much beter than those sticky hot days in Florida!  When there hasn't been snow, we have been blessed with mud, my second favorite. Furthermore I have singlehandedly contained the mouse infestation in the house, so when I am not wet, icy , or muddy, I am certainly comfortable and cozy in the house.  Leah has taken to feeding us a small amount of meat with every meal.  I haven't been bathed in several months due to the cold, to say we are living in relative domestic bliss.
Foreign Policy and Border Controls:
Here we continue to have some issues.  Our border is poorly patroled and  there are almost no safeguards to prevent outsiders from getting in.  The fence is easy to sneak under, and since Hurricane Sandy pieces of it are still missing. Of course this is not to mention the obvious- Leah never locks the door.  I am forced to remain in a state of hypervigilance-  sounding the alarm at any unusual sound or sight.  Furthermore her late night sneaking around forces me to the only logical conclusion :  She is dating without my permission, approval, or guidance. This has of course been confirmed by my keen sense of smell.  A new man hanging around means new treaties and trade negotiations.  A summit meeting was arranged, and though he stole my pillow, he does give excellent belly rubs.  Of course there should be a large spike in GDB( Gross Domestic Bacon) , since my hunger strike has led to more and more meat appearing in the kibble! Perhaps he will become an ally in my quest to meet Oprah.  Anything is possible.

Monday, February 4, 2013

I've decided to begin a hunger strike. Being a Gourmand like myself, this decision is not undertaken lightly.  However, sometimes it is a dog's only choice. Of course there are exceptions for snacks, and the three major food groups: meat, cheese, and peanut- butter. It's more of a "kibble-strike,"  but in my experience this is the most effective way to show my displeasure and modify the human's bad behavior.  Peeing on the bed is extremely effective as well, but usually results in a number of unpleasant consequences as side effects, so it is best saved for only the most extreme situations. The "kibble-strike" is most effective, since for some reason Leah believes that consuming the kibble in its entirety is essential to our survival.  Kibble seems like little more than a crunchy, salty filler to me....but if I refuse to consume it and appear thoroughly disinterested in the food bowl, Leah is immediately concerned and all attention shifts back to me. Usually I can achieve this simply by hiding out at the manure pile while Leah calls for me endlessly.  Fewer than  10 minutes inevitably leads to extreme happiness at the sight of me coming home to call, and we can fall blissfully into a puppy pile on the sofa.  This week called for something more extreme, since her state of distraction was greater than usual.
Chocolate Cookies.
Chocolate is strictly forbidden for Nessarose and myself.  Leah has been led to believe that chocolate is toxic to dogs and therefore dangerous.  Nessarose did her best to confirm this misinformation as a puppy, by toilet-papering the kitchen in a chocolate induced manic outburst.  Without a doubt the chocolate can have a methamphetamine effect, but Nessarose simply wasn't mature enough to control herself, and she was more than a little bit high.  As usual- the queen of over-indulgence.
Now one might think that Leah would have the generosity of spirit to not openly indulge in the one thing we are not allowed to have right under our noses....Well Sunday afternoon she was not only consuming chocolate, but baking with it!  Chocolate cookies!!  We all know what the house smells like with chocolate cookies baking... then she had the audacity to add insult to injury by putting peanut-butter chips in the chocolate cookies.  Peanut butter.  One of the three major food groups.  Furthermore, the cookies were placed on the kitchen table to cool ( a place Nessarose and I can easily access when not being watched), and then we were forced to follow Leah upstairs and locked in the bedroom with her as though we are not to be trusted.  Imagine that- like common drug addicts.  As though we can't resist the chocolatey peanutbuttery high. (Ahem.  We can't.)
If I refuse to eat my kibble Leah feeds me Pepcid.  As she believes my loss of interest in the kibble is a result of stress induced indigestion.  She feeds me the Pepcid with either cheese or peanut as you can see, I am getting my peanut butter one way or another.
Sidebar:  She's been out late lately.  Leaving me alone into the night with only Nessarose.  And I can smell there's someone else. I'm going to get to the bottom of this even if I have to give up peanut butter to find out.  If I refuse peanut butter she'll be forced to come clean.
I'll be angry if she's dating without me.  WE date together. I wish to be wooed, courted if you will....  with peanut butter, cheese, and bacon. Preferably all three together at the same time.