Thursday, December 24, 2015


Dear readers, followers, and adoring fans: I have every faith you will forgive my overlong silence upon hearing my tale. At my last communication I was mournfully resigned to dying of a broken heart. Hindsight however can bring fresh clarity and recent events have exposed my self indulgence and ingratitude.
It took sometime for Nessarose and I to uncover the reality of our situation. So typical of humans to think we cannot handle the truth. Alas the duty of devotion is often hindered and delayed by such misguided human concern over our canine mental health. Nevertheless we were certain something was afoot as soon as we were moved to Cheyenne's camper. My human had gone MIA( Missing in Aberdeenshire).
Though we were comfortable in Cheyenne's world, I was forced to suffer the indignity of 3 more dogs in addition to the sad simple behavior of my sister, Nessarose.  Though I did get an inordinate amount of bromantic time with Angus,  it was somewhat tarnished by the deranged behavior of his dog Emily.  I would often linger outside,  gazing at the stars, secure in my belief that:
"Somewhere, Out there
beneath the pale moonlight, 
someone's thinking of me, 
and loving me tonight..."-Fievel the mouse
But where?

There were only three legitimate possibilities:
1)  Her aircraft was destroyed by Dragon attack, and she was likely dead.
(This seemed improbable since Dragons large enough to destroy a large aircraft have not been seen in epochs.  However, had this been the case it would have made for an excellent "I told you so" moment, since I am in fact a dragon-slayer, and she had elected to leave me at home.)

2)She had been involved in some sort of terrible accident, was still alive, but unable to return to us.  
(Possible, but unlikely, since if she was indeed alive, she would certainly have tried to make contact with us, Hamish and Nessarose, her beloved pets. )

3) She had been transformed into a Scotsman, by aliens in the shape of custard desserts known as "blancmanges".  Hailing from the planet Skyrock in the galaxy of Andromeda they had come to earth to turn everyone into Scotsmen in a desperate bid to win Wimbledon. In which case we could all move to Scotland and live happily ever-after.  (See the link below for further clarification.)
( This option seems the most likely, however the season was all wrong for Wimbledon, it being mid-Autumn. )

I confess to being somewhat stumped.  I simply did not have enough information to proceed. Luckily my mystification was quickly resolved by simply eavesdropping upon Cheyenne's telephone conversations.  
Sadly,  my human had not been transformed into a Scotsman, and happily eve-rafter would have to wait as she had been in a terrible accident and mostly died. 
Cheyenne assured us not to worry.  As Scotland is a magical land full of mists, dragons, and miracles, they had immediately taken her to a Miracle Max and after the careful administration of four miracle pills she was successfully revived. 
We were ecstatic to receive this news, and were shortly moved to Washington DC to stay with our excellent Aunt Danielle.  She has no other dogs to share with, but she does not live in the country so we were leash bound for the duration. We anxiously awaited news of our Human's progress.  Nessarose usually hid among the shoes, and I made myself at home on Danielle's furniture. Finally the word came.  She was coming home to Binghamton, not New Jersey, but we would be transported immediately to her side. 
Six weeks after the accident,  we were reunited. There was no fanfare and very little rejoicing. Actually our reunion was strangely anti-climactic.  

I do not wish to make light of it, She was no longer mostly dead, but not at all our usual bouncy human. The miracle house had saved her life, but she was weak and depleted with a long road to recovery. Some miracle. As usual Nessarose and I would have to take matters into our own hands. So with the excellent help of Her parents Pop-pop and Grandma, we began rehabilitation together.  Thankfully we were here. Old habits die hard and Nessarose and I immediately took on our familiar roles.  I set a security perimeter.  Nessarose is hyper vigilant about the squirrels (nasty beasts) and the kitty cats.  Nessa is as always an attention hog and I often have to forcibly remove her from the ottoman so that I may have appropriate canoodle time with my human.  I remain the major motivating force in Her life. She pushes herself daily to build enough strength for picking me up and carrying me around. We are not quite there yet, though she can lift me successfully from the ottoman into her lap. 
Conditioning is very important.  As I have finally discovered the root cause of this terrible event, and our one chance at a silver lining:
Leah's ill-fated car wreck was fatefully brought to the attention of none other than my Scottish brother in arms: Gerard Butler. 
So whilst Nessarose and I were suffering in grief, nursing broken hearts, unsure if our human would ever be found....she was holding court with movie stars, telling tall tales of dragons and magic, rubbing shoulders with greatness...
For all of my pontificating about her ridiculous fantasies and obsessions, her absurd plotting and scheming, it seems that her trip was serendipitous. She has in fact met Gerard Butler.  Well at least she has spoken to him on the phone. AND she met his mother!! None of this has really brought me any closer to discussing my future with the man.  I remain frustrated at only being able to put my musings on paper.  I feel a certain depth of feeling is lost without the resounding richness of a Scottish brogue to animate the words...alas... I felt certain our inherent Scottishness and inevitable greatness would draw us together but as with most good stories, it appears to be a simple chance happening that has realigned our stars ( and the efforts of a very tenacious reporter, whose name I will protect at all costs). Gerard certainly has to meet me now. I feel a new collar may be in order. 

And so two months have passed here in Binghamton.  We have had two visits to the farm in New Jersey.  It is not nearly enough to maintain the security protocols there.  I will have a lot of work cut out for me upon my return, though Uncle Ed has done his best to patch things together in my absence.
Jessica is much too busy with the horses to worry about security.  So far there have been no serious breaches. 
Things go smoothly in Binghamton. Pop-pop and I patrol the perimeter every morning while discussing philosophy. We all of us read the NY Times over breakfast, and Nessarose intimidates the company with her awkward staring disorder. Leah advances daily, though she will require the administration of one final miracle pill later this season. We are all safely snuggled for the holidays.  

So I will leave you all with a promise to write more often and well wishes for a Merry Christmas to All!  And to all a Good Night!!

 Finally, I cannot help but note the similarities... 

What handsome devils we are.

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