I have decided that it would be a terrible waste and a tremendous shame were I to pass on without bestowing my wealth of knowledge upon the rest of the world. I have many secrets which of course will only be revealed upon my death, but in a number of areas I am quite simply an untapped fountain of information.  Of course I have never been good at sharing, but it is my hope that this post will be the first in a series of "how to" segments.  I intend to share a wide range of information....for example,who doesn't need advice on say.... How to choose a pooping site....Where to mark in the house so as not to be blamed....How to tip over the trash( and also frame Nessarose for it).... How to canoodle without being tormented by human feet... How to guard the bathroom door.....Killing things....etc. etc.
This evening's subject is of great importance:

How to Comfort Your Sad Human
This may in fact be a dog's most important duty.  Well, after patrolling and protecting, and of course slaying dragons....chasing squirrels....
At any rate it's right up there with a dog's mostly important duties.

First:  Do not try to understand why your human is sad.  It doesn't really matter.  This is why humans have mothers, and siblings, and friends, and therapists.  They will all talk for hours to try and understand where the sadness is emanating from. You don't really need to know.  Usually the problem is with the heart.

Second: Recognize the signs that your human is sad.  Crying is the most obvious indicator, but there are often other signs.  If your human cooks an entire chicken breast for example, and then cuts it up to feed to you while eating your kibble herself in its place....definitely a sad human. Going to bed early is also an indication. Or refusing to get out of bed.  Subsisting on ice cream and nothing else.  Checking email or facebook obsessively.  Picking up the dog( that's me) all the time and refusing to put me down.  Did I mention crying? Long showers.  I mean really long showers.  I mean like "don't make me come in there! I will break this door down....I know you climbed out the window" kind of long showers ( anything over 3 minutes should raise an alarm). Sleeping in the bathtub( my human has never done this when she is sad, but I have heard of it happening.) Throwing things( don't be fooled into a simple game of fetch).  No desire to play tug... Listlessness.

Third: Run a test.  Get close to your human.  Initiate physical contact.  Nuzzling, paws on the leg, jumping in the lap, even lying on the feet if you have to.  Then gaze longingly and lovingly up to your human's face.  If the  reaction is to pull you close and nearly suffocate you.....you are dealing with a sad human.

A picture of me running a test.

Fourth:  don't panic.  Actual documented cases of smothering by sadness are extremely rare. Try to get your nose near the armpit as there is a space here between the arm and torso which lets in a small amount of air.  Often the smell is quite lovely also.  Breathe very deeply and let out the largest sigh you can muster.  This is a sign of your solidarity with your human's sadness,  It speaks volumes of your unique canine ability to just empathize and not have to understand.

Fifth:  In these situations your comfort remains of the utmost importance.  Be sure to rabbit kick aggressively until the human positions you appropriately for  your task of comforting,  This is essential as comforting sessions can be protracted. Try to stay completely relaxed and limp. A belly rub is a normal perk for this kind of work.

Sixth:You will be kissed.

Seventh:  Try to let your human break the canoodle of consolation first.  This way they feel you have truly done your duty, faithfully remaining at your post, despite your discomfort and hunger.  You will be hungry.  At least I find consoling a sad human leaves me famished, and a bit parched.  Usually the human will get up first in order to feed you snacks.  Often a good canoodle will brighten their mood so dramatically that the whole thing ends in an aggressive game of tug!

Don't forget to be patient.  Sadness can't always be cured in one canoodle.  Sometimes it requires several.  If you are struggling alone call for reinforcements. It has been proven that multiple dogs comforting a human can dissipate sadness at three times the rate of one dog by himself.  But don't be disheartened!  Even a solo dog will eventually succeed if he follows these guidelines.

Check in again for more "how to's."  Such as How to eat horse poop and get away with it.

An intruder!  A break -in!  a real life home invasion!!! This is it friends.  The moment we train for our whole canine careers.  Ready to sound the alarm, pounce, protect, fight!  Fight to the death! I am ready for action...
It seemed like a totally normal evening.  Dinner and cannoodling on the sofa.  Television. Then Nessarose and myself were let out for our late night pee. All seemed fine until we retired to bed.  Angus had already closed his bedroom door for the  night and Leah was brushing her teeth on our side of the house.  At first I couldn't be sure what it was but Nessarose spotted the creature and made her move.  As it tried to flee out the bedroom door it became clear we had a real live Catawampus on our hands.  In our haste we did not account for the sliding of the area rugs and as we chased the creature into the hallway the rug rumpled and Nessarose and I skidded into each other out the door, across the hall and crashed against the railing over the stairs.  Nessa nearly managed to pin it but our skid made us snap and snarl at each other instead of the catawampus and Leah flew out of the bathroom yelling and shooing....

But she had seen it too....then panic set in.  She obviously sensed the danger and called for Angus.  He was completely disinterested, saying there couldn't possibly be a strange animal in the house.  He was quite sure it was a simple house cat, but we all knew better.  Leah had convinced herself that the creature had shape shifted into a bear....I was inclined to think this possible, so I went downstairs to hope for  re-enforcements. Leah fetched a fire poker, and armed with a flashlight ( a rather meager one I might add),  she inched along behind Angus into the spare bedroom to seek out the THING!  Nessarose fearlessly showed Angus and Leah where the creature was hiding under the bed. As Nessa nosed the edge of the bed skirt a strange low moaning came out from under the bed.  Angus asked if a bear might actually fit under there. Leah said probably not, but it could be any kind of creature from a squirrel to a racoon.  Or of course a Catawampus was my interjection from the hallway.
Well by then the creature had taken on the form of a simple house cat: white with lovely black spots.  Calm and pleasant, it allowed Angus to pick it up and remove it from the premises.  Sly thing.  How ever did it find its way into the house unless it is a Catawampus.  Shape shifting and passing through walls?  I see right through you creature!  It will come back again. And we are ready.  Ready to do our duty and stand tall! For God,  For country,  For our human,  For bacon!  May heaven rain down meatballs, and kraft-cheese crumbles!

Here citty citty wampy.....

I declare myself an orphan.  Wednesday WAS my birthday.  There was going to be a party and presents and extra snacks and visiting friends... At the last moment my human ran away to South Carolina in search of the perfect pot of hony ( a small fat chunky horse). She left me under house arrest in New Jersey with the Foreigners!  I could so easily have flown with her.  I would fit nicely under the seat in an airplane....alas I was alone all day with only the alien Nessarose to keep me company.  Barbara offered me most of the bag of cookies ( which she calls candy because she is from the planet France and that is how they call cookies.)  Angus let me out to frolic a bit.  But I was humanless from 3am of my birthday until 2 am the next day.  And still no presents.  No visiting friends.  Thankfully Angus has insisted that I should have a proper party a different day.  Perhaps he will force Leah to follow through. Though I shall not have a bath.  I intend to adopt a new human.  I hope Oprah will have me. Although presently it is too hot and humid to do anything more than pant.

A Very Merry UnBirthday

Aaaaahhhh....What a long strange trip it's been....My blogging seems ill-fated of late.  Leah has been stretched thin, and what little time we have together is best spent in a tight canoodle of consolation. All my tough talk and feigned disinterest has been put to the side.  After all a dog's first and most important duty is to the happiness of his human.  Leah has needed her canine canoodlers these past few weeks, and Nessarose and I are of course always up to the task.  We've even agreed to put aside our differences for the most part in order to be good dogs to our human.  Nessarose actually spoke with words( instead of her mind reading powers) and she has sworn off eating panties for the present.  Sadly she has not been able to control her G.O.D. (Garbage Obsession Disorder) so there have been some slip ups in that department.
Leah is fond of her routines and the "return of the troops" from Florida causes her great stress.  It doesn't seem to really matter if she is among the returning warriors, or just receiving them.  This was complicated greatly this year by the turnover in staff at the farm.  So instead of welcoming home fellow coworkers we were indoctrinating new recruits.  This is also stressful since we have to indoctrinate them into our home as well.
To top it all off this season we were invaded by foreigners!  First Ian came home for one night, bringing with him Angus.  Of course we know Ian from Florida last year, but he's from California(  that's the same thing as being foreign.)  But he gives really good tummy rubs, so it was a bit sad when the very next morning he left for Holland.  Angus is from England, by way of South Africa.  It's all very complicated.  These strange planets and foreign places.  He's practically moved into the house but he leaves at night to sleep somewhere else.  Which is disappointing, since that's one of the few things men are best for.   He says sweet things to me and rubs between my shoulders, but I am witholding final judgement for now since he keeps insisting to Leah that I need a bath.  Thankfully her loyalty remains with me and she has refrained from subjecting me to such a shameful embarassment. Then the French girl moved into the house.  Barbara.  She is nice enough to leave food where Nessarose can reach it and knock it down for us to share.  I sleep with her on the sofa when Leah is out.  Which brings me to the next point.  Cheyenne is back on weekends as well, so Leah goes out all the time.  Between Cheyenne and the foreigners she is out almost every night.  Our entire  rhythm of life has been disrupted.
As if all that wasn't enough Leah is moving all of our things to a different bedroom, and we've switched to the bathroom on the other side of the house.  She took the small trunk away from the foot of the bed and I can't get in and out of bed without it.  She swears we will start sleeping in the other bedroom any day now. But I think she is afraid of the ghosts.
Then there was bad news about our sister Sombra.  It seems she is injured and will have to go on permanent disability.  This made Leah especially sad.

In the armchair at Grandma's, supervising dictation

Fortunately we have been whisked away for a long weekend at Grandma and Grandpas house.  In spite of poor planning(  Leah forgot our meat and our leashes.) it has all worked out quite well.  We have been lounging and canoodling on the leather sofa.  We slept in late, and there was reading in bed. There was also left over lamb patty from the Turkish restaurant since Leah forgot our meat.  Everyone seems much more relaxed, even Nessarose.
Most importantly Leah seemed content enough to write this post for me.  I intend to sleep next to her head as usual.  As that is my most important post.

These several weeks have been an epic debacle.  Not only have I been unable to make dictation for my posts, but I have been severely deprived of my precious lap time and canoodling.  Events are too numerous to discuss here in great detail, so I am forced to "gloss over" the main events, so to all my faithful readers I offer my deepest apologies.  It is rare that I so totally lose control of my human, but perhaps I can sum up:
1. Annemarie's horse fell and she was knocked unconscious. We had to help the weiners take care of her, because that's what friends do...
2. Passover.  Need I say more?  We went to visit Leah's brother and his wife.  We were left alone all day in a strange house, with strange roomates while Leah, Ari, and Rima went frolicing in the finger lakes. Then we went to Grandma's house for Passover Seder.  To my great delight, I was allowed free roam over the whole house while Nessarose was tied to Leah's chair so as to prevent her from eating off the dining room table.
3. The farm truck was impounded and Leah left on the side of the road.  Apparently her paperwork was not in order....This did not effect me much, but Leah was quite angry about the whole thing and spent a great deal of time ranting and raving, hence another evening lost to blogging forever.
4. Fursey.  Fursey developed a severe cellulitis in his left hind leg two weeks ago!  This appears to have developed into a larger systemic infection which caused Leah ( and consequently myself) many sleepless nights, both worrying and checking on the suffering horse.  Though he seems to still have a lengthy recovery ahead of him he is doing much better over this past weekend although he still needs frighteningly large shots of penicillin in his rear twice a day!  He tolerates all the poking and prodding in a most dignified manner ( as he is a much dignified horse) but myself, I would hide and fuss and cause all sorts of ruckus should Leah come after me with any needles and syringes like those!

Well that is the short short version of the latest adventures.  Spring seems to have arrived on our doorstep at last.  The grass is turning greener and the trees are starting to bud and bloom, along with daffodils everywhere. The birds are numerous and the change to warmer temperatures brings countless new smells  Leah's distraction of late with Fursey's illness and the return of the troops from Florida has meant less time frolicing about the yard for Nessarose and myself.  Though this has been disappointing, on the bright side it has given me plenty of time to enjoy the latest issue of O-magazine.  I overheard that I will be getting my own subscription for my birthday in May.  Properly in my name....Hamish McDougal Mcduff.  I would have looked fabulous on this cover.  Oprah is sitting in a garden in a full, flowing purple skirt.   I look fabulous with purple. After all- it is the color of royalty.

Catawampus

It snowed on Thursday evening, but thankfully by Saturday it had warmed up to spring-like weather.  Good thing since I have been stripped of my coat ( and my lovely patina with it).

Of most interest this week: the human debate over the proper definition and use of the word "catawampus." Annemarie used the word casually Friday evening as we were leaving the barn.  It came up again Saturday night while the humans were out together at the Lamplighter.  Sadly I am not allowed in restaurants, so I had to gather the information from Leah.  But she came home telling me what a cute little "cattywampus" terrier I am, and I knew it had obviously been discussed at length.  Upon reading her text messages later on ( I always check her phone when she is not looking, and I can reach it easily from the bed where she leaves it charging overnight.), I now feel the need to set the record straight.  

According to dictionary.com humans believe the definition of "Catawampus" to be:

an Adjective meaning

1. askew, or awry

2. positioned diagonally or cater-cornered

It is common in Southern and mid-Western American speech.

Humans may choose to use it this way, though I don't understand why.  I know exactly what a Catawampus is, and I know that there happens to be one living above the utility sink in the barn.  It is a pretty standard specimen.  Though, it is quite morbidly obese.  Leah refers to it as "Marbles."  It seems too fat to be any real threat to anyone, but I keep a close watch as everyone knows that Catawampi are closely related to dragons.  Though they devolved away from the ability to fly and breath fire many epochs ago, they are still able to make themselves invisible.  Perhaps the best known Catawampus of all time is the infamous Chesire Cat.  This Marbles disguises itself as a cat also.  They can be very dangerous and are known to cause stark-raving-madness in other animals.  Marbles is certainly too fat and lazy to do much of anything other than sleep these days.  

Catawampus

At any rate, you may imagine my relief upon reading Leah's texts and discovering that her father had quite correctly defined "Catawampus."  

So as Dr. Epstein indicated, the Catawampus is:

"Directly inferior to the cloacal fenestration of the New Caledonian subspecies of Platypus is the syndochian nodule commonly called a catawampus ( plural catawampusses, not catawampi)."

Thank you Grandfather.  This is in fact the correct definition of the Catawampus.  They are associated with platypi because they do lay eggs.  However, I must correct Dr. Epstein, because the correct plural is Catawampi. 

But enough of all that.  For all I know Nessarose might be a Catawampus.
If anyone else would like to share a definition of Catawampus, I welcome all attempts ( though of course mine is the only correct one, and should you submit a definition worthy of inclusion in one of my esteemed posts, prepare to have it thoroughly ridiculed!)

Me

Me

This constitutes abuse.  AND YOU ALL KNOW IT. 

 

In case it is not fundamentally obvious to everyone reading....

I have been bathed.  And subsequently shaved to look like a puffy, chubby Affenpinscher.  I should not resemble this dog nearly as much as I now do.

Random Affenpinscher