Monday, February 4, 2013

I've decided to begin a hunger strike. Being a Gourmand like myself, this decision is not undertaken lightly.  However, sometimes it is a dog's only choice. Of course there are exceptions for snacks, and the three major food groups: meat, cheese, and peanut- butter. It's more of a "kibble-strike,"  but in my experience this is the most effective way to show my displeasure and modify the human's bad behavior.  Peeing on the bed is extremely effective as well, but usually results in a number of unpleasant consequences as side effects, so it is best saved for only the most extreme situations. The "kibble-strike" is most effective, since for some reason Leah believes that consuming the kibble in its entirety is essential to our survival.  Kibble seems like little more than a crunchy, salty filler to me....but if I refuse to consume it and appear thoroughly disinterested in the food bowl, Leah is immediately concerned and all attention shifts back to me. Usually I can achieve this simply by hiding out at the manure pile while Leah calls for me endlessly.  Fewer than  10 minutes inevitably leads to extreme happiness at the sight of me coming home to call, and we can fall blissfully into a puppy pile on the sofa.  This week called for something more extreme, since her state of distraction was greater than usual.
Chocolate Cookies.
Chocolate is strictly forbidden for Nessarose and myself.  Leah has been led to believe that chocolate is toxic to dogs and therefore dangerous.  Nessarose did her best to confirm this misinformation as a puppy, by toilet-papering the kitchen in a chocolate induced manic outburst.  Without a doubt the chocolate can have a methamphetamine effect, but Nessarose simply wasn't mature enough to control herself, and she was more than a little bit high.  As usual- the queen of over-indulgence.
Now one might think that Leah would have the generosity of spirit to not openly indulge in the one thing we are not allowed to have right under our noses....Well Sunday afternoon she was not only consuming chocolate, but baking with it!  Chocolate cookies!!  We all know what the house smells like with chocolate cookies baking... then she had the audacity to add insult to injury by putting peanut-butter chips in the chocolate cookies.  Peanut butter.  One of the three major food groups.  Furthermore, the cookies were placed on the kitchen table to cool ( a place Nessarose and I can easily access when not being watched), and then we were forced to follow Leah upstairs and locked in the bedroom with her as though we are not to be trusted.  Imagine that- like common drug addicts.  As though we can't resist the chocolatey peanutbuttery high. (Ahem.  We can't.)
If I refuse to eat my kibble Leah feeds me Pepcid.  As she believes my loss of interest in the kibble is a result of stress induced indigestion.  She feeds me the Pepcid with either cheese or peanut as you can see, I am getting my peanut butter one way or another.
Sidebar:  She's been out late lately.  Leaving me alone into the night with only Nessarose.  And I can smell there's someone else. I'm going to get to the bottom of this even if I have to give up peanut butter to find out.  If I refuse peanut butter she'll be forced to come clean.
I'll be angry if she's dating without me.  WE date together. I wish to be wooed, courted if you will....  with peanut butter, cheese, and bacon. Preferably all three together at the same time.

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