Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Chance Favors the Prepared Mind

Many months ago I opened a fortune cookie and my fortune read as follows:
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Subsequently the world has gone completely topsy turvy.  Everything we know changed.

My human is never one to do things by half measures.  She also has a habit of leaping without looking and also fiscal irresponsibility, impulse-driven behavior, as well as some selfish tendencies relating mostly to how we share the chaise lounge. ( Her legs are just entirely too long, they don't fit, and it is very rude. She should have no legs, just like me.)

In short, I am trying to offer all of my loyal subjects an explanation for my extended hiatus on blogger. See I have spent the last seven months putting out fires.
We had to find an apartment and move.  This involved getting all of our belongings out of storage.  It also involved the creation and implementation of a completely new security protocol.  This was needless to say extremely time consuming.
At the same time Leah left her job at the Ridge.  She decided to open her own business again, so while moving house we were also moving horse. This proved to be a much more complicated and extended process even than moving into the new apartment.  Though it has born many fruits.  The most obvious of these being the fact that Nessarose and myself now have free rein over nearly thirty beautiful acres on the magnificent Tolleshunt Horse Farm.   However, I cannot even begin to express or explain the web of security measures such a vast property requires.
Firstly, there are cats.  Two.  The striped one is most definitely a catawampus. hrumphf!
Deer.  Everywhere.  Literally. Everywhere. They are in the pastures and paddocks, on the walkways, and in the parking lot.  ALL OF THE TIME.
Canada geese. ( Otherwise known as the Honking Hellbeasts of the Hinterlands) Need I say more.
Wild Turkey. Foxes. Possums. there may even be a wylie...
Rough Drawing of a Wylie
Although I have not seen it.  I catch its scent from time to time.
Staying on top of all this nonsense is exhausting.  We had no money in the beginning so we were forced to work seven days a week at it just to make ends meet.  Thankfully my older brother Revel fell into a promotion and was able to send us a much needed lifeline.  We might have starved to death were it not for his success.  I am proud to say that Leah, Nessarose and all the horses remain safe.  I believe we have an excellent protocol, and I declare the farm almost impenetrable to hostiles. Though I remain always vigilant.
After about two months of a grueling schedule we were able to take a breath and we have traveled considerably in the past few months.  Though we only seem to have one destination: the Wee Bairn's in Albany, NY.
I have mixed feelings about this.  Of course I love the Wee Bairn.  She is my niece.  I particularly enjoy her feeding times since she throws most of her food on the floor for Nessarose and I to clean up. However,  Leah does seem to forget I exist whenever the Bairn is near.  I have recently had to reduce myself to whining aloud in order to gain her attention.  This is highly unusual, since usually, I can hold an entire room's awe and wonder by simply existing. Though it seems the Bairn is the only one able to do that whenever she is present.  She is also something of a velcro baby.  If I pass within her reach she instantly latches onto my hair and it is very difficult to release her.  For now, the food raining down from the high-chair certainly makes up for all of this.

Some other important developments:
We once again have the king bed.  This means I can comfortably sleep in Leah's spot while she flails helplessly trying to get me to use the other 7 feet of the mattress.  I cannot.  And I will not. Humans just refuse to understand it makes no difference whatsoever how large the bed is.  I will lie on top of you.

The Ithilien Clubhouse
We also have a clubhouse at the new horse farm.  Our very own lounge room with a tartan armchair and ottoman just for me and a fireplace.  It is my sanctuary.  I smoke my pipe and contemplate. No matter how busy I get I always leave time for contemplation. (8 hours a day as a rough guideline) This is how I can be certain I am a fully self-actualized Scott.   Thank you so much Sarah Nir!
My children's literature project has had to be shelved completely, though it remains at the forefront of my mind.  The lack of progress frustrates me. If I am to be famous, I really must get this book back on track.  I must add I have been neither bathed nor clipped in many months.  My patina is glorious.  It shall be its own character in my animated film.  Rather like Pepe Le Pew.

Finally, I have decided to take up the strange human hobby of "Prepping,"in which "preppers" hoard and stock pile essential items in preparation for the end of the world as we know it.  Seems like a slightly flawed notion since there is no real way to know what would qualify as essentials if the world as we know it were to end....However. Since I am the head of security it seems a useful precaution.  I have begun by stockpiling carrots.  I have chosen carrots because horse people leave them absolutely everywhere so I have been able to collect them easily for the time being.  I have begun burying them individually at intervals around the farm.  These intervals are based on a complex algorithmic equation known only to myself ( and I often forget it) in order to give the appearance of randomness.  Leah did catch me burying one the other day, but she seems to have chalked it up to random dog behavior so I think the remaining carrots are safe.

The Bairn and I

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