Monday, May 4, 2015

Setting the Record Straight

There are many things to talk about.  I confess the glorious spring weather has me in an elevated mood these last few days and life is good. I am even inclined to admit that though I mourn the recent stripping of my patina, my clip and shave has left me much more comfortable in the heat.  And I was after all left enough beard and brow to give the appropriate appearance of severity when necessary.
Such a Handsome Devil!
Being so low to the ground it is absolutely necessary to carry a strong appearance of severity and fierceness in order to convey the appropriate sense of authority, a sort of  Command Presence. A deep voice is helpful to this end also. It is in fact critically essential. No one will ever take you seriously without a strong commanding voice.  At the risk of sounding breedist this is exactly why chihuahuas will never hold positions of high authority. They simply don't have the right vocal frequency to carry it off.  The Scots on the other hand.... well we're known for it.  I hate to state the obvious but the voice of Sean Connery is as iconic as the man himself.  No one anywhere in the world wants to hear the words "Bond, James Bond" with nasal undertones in the soprano range. Think of the infamous "Jock" in Lady and the Tramp, an excellently strong Scottish voice.  His lines are better remembered than any of the tramp's " Everybody knows that a dog's best friend is his Human!"
Shrek.  You can't have an ogre with anything other than a deep resonating brogue.
Vikings.  Almost all of them depicted in film everywhere.  Well at least the vikings in the "How to Train Your Dragon" series. Scottish voices all!  Which brings me to my next point. As I am Scottish, and naturally possessed of the many stout masculine qualities befitting a fierce dragon-slaying scotch terrier, there is really only one possible man to narrate the story of my life and my many characterizations. I would simply do it myself but so few people can speak or understand Scotch terrier, and as I lack the vocal apparatus for actually speaking in English, I shall have to have a narrator or translator if you will. It follows naturally that this can only be none other than the great Scotsman Gerard Butler.
also Scottish. also a Handsome Devil
Allow me to be perfectly clear.  These ideas are entirely my own and they have absolutely nothing to do with the opinions, emotions, obsessions or ridiculous fantasies of my Human.  She is entirely responsible for her own ridiculousness.  However it seems that there has been a great deal of confusion over my alleged infatuation with the actor.  Myself I am simply stating the obvious:  Gerard Butler is the only possible choice to voice my musings, for the obvious reason that he is in fact Scottish, often bearded, quite fierce ( or at least very good at pretending to be which is really the most important thing) and he is also a handsome devil.  These facts bond us eternally as Scottish brethren and we would undoubtedly be very good friends should we ever have the chance to meet.  Unlikely we ever shall, since I am so busy with my writing and my security duties for the farm I certainly don't have time for such dalliances.  I simply need his voice to properly share these fabulous musings with the rest of the world.  I am merely proposing a business arrangement in which I will deign to share my jerky and my canine carry-outs with him in exchange for his audio files of my writings.  A high price to pay for sure, but hopefully worth it in the end. I have read that he is very professional in such matters and he is certainly not a vegetarian, so he would consider jerky fair payment. IF he does a good job I might also allow him to stroke me with his foot.  But probably not.
Now as for the ridiculous, girlish, silly obsession my Human has for Gerard Butler I simply have nothing to say other than PREPOSTEROUS. My human has achieved a level of silliness in this matter that defies rationality and even more preposterous is the manner in which her friends encourage her.  Signed photographs, proclamations of certainty as to their suitability for one another...  It makes a total mockery of my very serious and necessary bid to do business with the man!  There are only four things in the world I hate more than dragons, and that is human feet.  And cats.  And soap of any kind. And being made a mockery of.
I will be contacting Mr. Butler myself with a peace offering of steak and I will be putting an end to all of this nonsense.  I have no doubt the man has better things to do with his time.  ( ie: narrating my life.) No doubt we shall soon cross paths at some fundraiser or awards ceremony, or perhaps doing the Tonight Show. Or Ellen.  Or just walking down the street.  Scottish individuals are naturally drawn to one another.  It is some strange cosmic twist of fate. I believe fully in the inevitability of the acknowledgement of greatness in all things inevitably bound for greatness and all of its acknowledge-able accolades.  In other words I am bound for glory and as such I am further bound to attract others who are also bound for glory or already glorious.  It's just the way things are.  So there, I've stated it simply.
who would ever want to be king?

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