Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Life as a Football

Few are aware of the particular difficulties relating to being roughly the size of a football. i am only 12 inches high, and my legs only about 4 inches long.

most important, a small dog must do everything in his power to convince others that he is in fact a very big dog. i employ many tactics. these include my "big dog" voice, accompanied by an assortment of ferocious growling and snarling noises- these are especially effective in fierce games of tug-of-war. i have out-tugged many opponents with the sheer ferocity of the noises i can make! this, however, is really a topic for another evening. i want to discuss operation" return the steps to the bed."

see the other major disadvantage to being the size of a football: human pick you up all the time. this is not so bad, sometimes, if they know how to lift and carry you, but most of the time it involves a lurching hoist via the armpits, followed by suspension from one arm, while my posterior dangles unsupported. not only is this extremely uncomfortable, it is also rather undignified! to add insult to injury, there are a number of occasions which require the human to pick me up! due to my short stature and even shorter legs, i cannot jump very high. this means that in a number of situations, i have to be lifted: into the pick-up, onto the bed. how utterly embarassing. i mean, really. totally humiliating.

i've learned how to get into the pick-up on my own. i can jump up near the pedals, and then up onto the seat. this has not solved the problem with the bed. i've tried to perfect my technique, and once in a while i successfully make the leap, but it's just high enough that more often than not, my attempts result in an undignified back flip or belly flop. not only is this embarassing, it is also painful.

so i have embarked on a mission to reclaim my dignity! no more requiring human arms just to go to sleep at night! ( don't any one even dare suggest that i sleep on the floor. that's no place for a clever terrier like myself- only dogs lacking in all their faculties would agree to sleep on the floor. we have every right to share the bed with the humans! i even have my own pillow.)

see- leah used to keep the steps for the hot tub at the foot of the bed, so that i could come and go as i please. in the last major house cleaning ( which resulted by the way, in a foul smelling residence. why do humans insist that bleach and lysol smell good? ) the steps were replaced by the hot tub, and they have yet to return to the bed. my mission, in my own subtle way, shall result in the return of the steps to the bed.

i began last night. phase 1: start by going to bed before leah. she usually falls asleep on the sofa around 11 or so. when she wakes up at 11:30 or 12: nessa and i have our final late night pee, and then we go to bed. in this phase i simply insist on going to bed ahead of schedule. instead of snuggling on the couch with leah, i will head for bed around the time she is dozing off. just when i sense she is nodding off... i let out a sharp bark followed by a low rumbling whine, ending with a whimper. last night this wasn't quite enough. leah simply called out from the couch, " Hamish! are you kidding me, come back here and snuggle, it's too early for bed." my retort- several sharp barks, again followed by the low whine, ending in whimper.

well that did the trick. she got up, boosted me into the bed, scolding me the whole time, and calling me a very spoiled, manipulative, bratty little dog. but she stroked my little feet the whole time, and then she kissed me.

tonight is phase 2. i will get her up off the couch the same way, but when she calls us for our late night pee, i will not get out of bed to go. in the middle of the night, maybe around 3 or 4- i will get up out of the bed, and i will pee by the front door. then i will come back over to the bed, and guess what! 2 or 3 sharp barks, followed by a low whine ending in whimper! ha! it may take several attempts to wake her. but she will pull me back in to the bed, and scold me again.

when she finds the pee in the morning, she will be mad, and i will be severely scolded and shoved out the door without any breakfast. she'll probably go out and move the steps to the bed before she even makes her cup of tea. she'll forgive me before lunch time, and probably feed me part of her sandwich anyway.

if' i'm really lucky, my sister, nessarose, will get blamed for the pee anyway.

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