Monday, November 4, 2013

I hold these truths to be self-evident: Part I

My dear readership,
I feel I owe all of my loyal followers a heartfelt apology for my absence of late. I can only totally blame my human, as I am totally dependent upon her for her opposable thumbs. I will offer further explanation but I would be remiss in my duties if I did not first address the most significant change among us: the loss of the Oracle.
At the end of September the Oracle of Joy left this world and traveled to the rainbow bridge, where he will await his humans. The Oracle is survived by the whole of his human family, and of course many disciples. He lived a long full life of uninhibited happiness, and he left us peacefully with the help of his humans. He exuded joyfulness at all times and I myself regarded him as a great mentor.  We all feel his loss deeply, and strive to carry on his mission of happiness.

I know that I have been long absent from this ingenious blog of mine, but dear readers, when you hear my reasons you will have to forgive me.  I simply refuse to submit to censorship of any kind. I demand my right to free speech, and though many may feel the first amendment is not meant to apply to dogs, I disagree! Many attempts have been made to blog in the last few months, and all have been met with the same criticism.  It seems my thoughts and opinions of late have all been deemed inappropriate or offensive subject matter for this blog. Great concern was expressed that my latest musings will most definately offend and shock friends, family, and colleagues.  I was reminded at length that this blog is read by close friends and connections, not total strangers, and I was told in no uncertain terms that if I were to continue in this manner, publishing another post was totally out of the question.  Apparently I am selfish, arrogant, and tactless. I must learn diplomacy, resist such biting sarcasm, and practice the art of subtlety.  If you are reading this then I have succeeded to some extent. I am thoroughly chastised, and I don't really give a hair on a cat's arse if I offend anyone, but my human is editing.

Firstly, I was thrilled at the arrival of the Italians.  It was confusing at first, since we have to come and go through different doors now, but sharing the house with Giovanni and his family is quite pleasant.  He lives with a dog named Dotta, and she is very lovely, though Nessarose doesn't like us playing together. Of course their arrival confined us to the small apartment at the back of the house.  Leah was very angry about this at first, but we have excellent cozy furniture, and though it has been quite chilly in the mornings our little suite of rooms is lovely.

Secondly, Cheyenne moved out and has left the empoyment of the Ridge. Leah may love Cheyenne, but I am not so sad that I no longer have to share the furniture with Lucy.  She would always sleep in my favorite chair. And she has gas.  Leah has been very sad about Cheyenne leaving, she talks about it often and shares her hopes that she won't be gone forever. Apparently Cheyenne belongs to Angus (the African) now, and  she will have to do whatever he says. Our little family is changed forever. It is quite inconvenient that I can no longer frame Chili for pooping in the living room...
We got a boyfriend too.  But Leah says rather, he will have to do everything she says. His name is Joe.  He is very tall, and Leah smiles a lot whenever he is here. It took a few days to work out the sleeping arrangements, but we have achieved an optimal situation where Nessarose and I have full half of the bed and Leah and Joe fit nicely together in the other half.  This makes up for all of the other nonsense that goes on in the bed which I have been expressly forbidden from writing about, since Leah says, and I quote  " My mother reads this blog, you cannot talk about - - -!!"  I could do without all that moaning and groaning etc. but since he doesn't steal my pillow I am willing to say that Joe's a keeper. More on Joe later.

Thirdly, Piglets.  Don't even get me started about piglets.  Leah and Joe are having a piglet together.  Which apparently means we are going to have to move?  We already live on a farm. Where will we move to? I hate moving. I have never known any piglets but I am sure I will hate piglets. My half of the bed is full.  We will have to have a bigger bed to have a piglet.  There is nothing more to say about this. I am not supposed to talk about it.

Fourthly, we remain broke.  Leah went on vacation without us in September, as she could not afford my airfare. I was left alone for a whole week!  In fact I believe the main reason I have been allowed to write this blog is in the hope that it will lead to Oprah.  Well all roads lead to Oprah anyway... I would like to give up horses and devote myself to writing full time.  My first children's book is in the research and development stages.  I simply need more time with my human to fully flesh out my ideas. I suggest a cabin in the woods for several months to focus on our literary genius, but Leah says we will have no money for meat and cheese, or even kibble, so that's out of the question.  We even got in a tiff over it and I suggested she go out and find a job that paid us enough to live in a cabin in the woods.  Alone. This caused a lot of crying, more talk of piglets, and other totally unintelligible emotional mumbling, along with rocking and hugging of me....the terrier. Apparently her dreams are dying....although lately they seem to be more vibrant and even visionary.  But that's all I can say about that.  ( Our vision is going to make us rich!  Once we share it with Oprah).

Sidebar:  I have been immortalized upon my human's wrist.  Forever.

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