The Doe Deer

It seems my complaints of melting snow and no winter were premature, since mother nature has decided to really sock it to us.  The ground has been snow covered and the temperatures well below freezing for almost a month now. The snow is now taller than me, though it has a thick coating of ice allowing both Nessarose and myself to skid freely across the surface. I was nervous of that at first- since falling through the crusty ice is sharp and painful.  However the persistent cold seems to have set the ice like a frozen lake and we can "skate" across confidently.

Most importantly a Doe Deer has invaded the backyard. She gets in through the hole in our pool fence and has been helping herself to the shrubs along the back porch.  Needless to say this is a declaration of war. Leah and Nessarose both advocate a truce. I refuse any talk of compromise.  This Doe Deer simply must leave and never come back.  I have taken up an exhausting, unwavering vigil.  When the others run indoors out of the cold and snow I stand watch on the back porch, ready to chase this trespasser off!  I only turn indoors when summoned for food and sleep, and most necessary canoodling.  My efforts paid off as there have been no deer tracks or poo for days ( disappointing for Nessarose who seems to be a big fan of the frozen poosicles.) Unfortunately my blogging has suffered since my energies were consumed elsewhere in the midst of this crisis. I admit some slight disappointment that this Doe Deer has failed to give battle.  I can only think that my terrifying baying, and constant vigilance frightened her off. Well, I have done my duty.
Now I can turn my thoughts to more intellectual pursuits, and matters of greater consequence.  For example: framing Nessarose for destroying the bathroom garbage,  do all dogs really go to heaven?  is it best to lick one's feet clean or merely to suck them?
Ed was here to visit us again.  He feeds many more  treats then Leah, and is generally more fun to lounge about with.  Though he is not much for canoodling.  But we have excellent conversations about all manner of man-business.  He is much easier to talk to as he speaks Scotty fluently, so there is no need to translate to English.  I have tried to teach Leah my language but she finds the sound of it annoying so I have given up and accepted that I have to use English.  I know that she is very jealous when Ed and I speak in front of her, as she can't understand, so I mostly talk to Ed when she is not looking.
Progress is steady as to the arrival of my new niece/ nephew.  I suggested that they cook the thing faster, but Leah says this is not possible and I will just have to wait until August.
On a happy note my Scottish cousin MacDonwold will be arriving in less than two weeks.  He will speak my language naturally and we will certainly be good friends, as long as  he doesn't pounce on my head.  I hate it when puppies pounce on my head, and I will bite him if he does it. I don't care if he's family. I don't have to be nice to dogs that pounce on my head.
It is cozy in the house on the sofa.  Nessarose is upside down on the armchair.  I am to bed.

Not Real

"Our brief winter. Ours for the moment

Before earth's soft hand explored your shape, and melted her snows...."

I plagiarized this.  I make no apologies.  If you can be first to name the source of it- Leah will buy you a steak dinner( I would buy the steak dinner, but I have no money.) I just changed a few words. And google is cheating.  You should just know it. 

Our brief winter- so short lived!  We had a week of beautiful snowy wonderfulness, but it has all melted away to mud.  I am extremely fond of mud, but it leads to several unpleasantries.  Most gratuitous of these?? BAThING. 

Oh horrible! Horrible!

There are many problems.  Examine closely: 

1) I am in a sink

2) I am soaking wet

3) I am in a sink

4) I am covered in foul smelling, patina- stripping soap

5) I am in a sink.

I was toweled dry, which was fabulous. The only tolerable part of being bathed really.  Then I was abandoned for the entire night.  Left alone with the alien, Nessarose. No human in the bed to sleep close to,  NO ONE!  I hate New York City.  I found out this morning that I was actually invited to the party there, but she took someone else. 

This is not real

To add insult to injury- This THING has suddenly appeared. Leah says it is my bust and I should not be so touchy about it. She says it is a great honor to be immortalized in sculpture.  I don't know what a bust is.  But if this is parading around in my place I find it unacceptable! 

Well be forewarned.  I forecast a conspicuous increase in mischief.  Impending. Storm conditions possible.  

Bathed and mocked!  

THIS IS NOT REAL!!!

Uncle Hamish

Firstly, allow me to state- the Rody horse "twenty-two" has been in the trunk of the car since the xmas party last friday.  Seems he isn't so well behaved in public? Should have brought the very real real dog to the xmas party instead....but nooooo.  Inappropriate bearded men in santa hats got to go....but not little scruffy terriers...I can wear a bow tie too you know.  I see exactly where I stand.
But I digress..... significant news is at hand!

I am to be an Uncle!  The joy of this is immeasurable ( if only the oracle were here to revel with me!). Leah says that really I am going to be cousin- but that's just silly, and I prefer the role of Uncle so I am taking that position and I will defend it to the death.  If Leah is to be an aunt.  Then I am to be an Uncle.  That is how I see it.
Obviously this is a huge responsibility.  Apparently these things take about 9 months or so, so I will have some time to practice and prepare. I have many questions:
When are they old enough to give tummy rubs?
Are they born rolling around and adorable- like me- or do they need to be taught?  I volunteer for such tutelage.
Do they have to learn to walk on two legs or can they crawl around on all fours forever?  Seems more sensible to me.
When do they start eating food and throwing it on the floor and everywhere so that I can eat it?
Will Ari and Rima be getting a terrier of their own for protection?  Or will I have to go live with them until it is safe?
At what age can I begin teaching the art of dragon-slaying?  I started at 4 weeks.  That seems totally reasonable. It is important to develop these critical instincts very early in life.
Can we feed the poopy diapers to Nessarose?  she likes those sorts of things and it seems like a reasonable way to dispose of waste.
Will it pull my hair?  Will I mind?
Do human puppies smell as good as dog puppies?

I commit myself wholly to the protection and education of this new being.

I am very excited.

A RODY

Something is amiss if your human brings home a rubber doll and she is older than 10. It isn't even fuzzy.  How is that fun?  It can't canoodle.  It's just a pretty color.  Well, and everyone likes to bounce around on it.  Personally I find the whole thing to be completely ridiculous. It isn't even real.  And Leah is always saying how wonderful and real I am...and my toes.  She always says that- "you are so real.  even your toes are REALLY REAL!"  And here we are suddenly living with this rubber thing and talking about it all the time.  I am even blogging about it.  It doesn't even have a  real name! She just calls it "Twenty-Two."  Well I refuse to be amused by it, and the next time she leaves it on the floor I intend to pee on it.
It is once again the turkey holiday, though I am told I am to be left home. "Twenty-Two" is going.  Seems being rubber has its advantages.  Leah says if I will allow the small children to ride me like a pony I may go to turkey dinner.  I refused. So I will just stay here. ALONE in all my realness, whilst the fake pet goes to turkey dinner.
On the brightside we were visited by Ed.  He still smells divinely of tobacco, beef, and sand.  I was fed many more treats than usual, but it was a short visit and we did not get to do any manly things together. Perhaps he will visit again.
Nevertheless I wish a everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. I will be happy to accept any and all leftovers of any kind.

10 reasons

I remain somewhat vexed.  Though not so terribly so.  In an effort to lift my human"s spirits and educate her as to my purpose simultaneously,  I have composed a top 10 list.   These types of things appear to be popular these days, so it seemed both appropriate and humorous to attempt one myself.

Top 10 reasons not to give up on the male species of the human race:

10) Males are generally dirtier than females.  They have a greater understanding of any patina and are therefore less inclined to be concerned about bathing me.

9) Males understand and respect facial hair.  Even if they do not have it.  DON'T TOUCH THE BEARD.

8) They pee standing up.  (so does Nessarose, but she is also an alien-so not really of any particular sex, and therefore she does not count.)

7)Males do not like leashes.  They also frequently go "commando" - that is to say- without any collar. I aspire to this.

6) Males do not blame me for their farts.  ( this is a common problem among females ) Men
simply admit to them. Passing gas is such a beautiful thing anyway- not sure why the girls always try to pass theirs off on me- they only look foolish, since clearly they are immediately identified by the smell.

5) Humping.  Need I say more.

4) Leah really likes them. Until they screw up that is.  They usually screw up.  But someday we will have one that doesn't.

Look-  an excellent doughnut!

3) The male species does not believe in dressing dogs in clothing.  Thank heavens someone out there is reasonable!  I will be printing bumper stickers:  "Do Not Dress Your Pets."

2)I cannot confirm this totally- but given the length of time men spend on the toilet when using it- it seems they give great contemplation to pooping.  This is an essential of dog-dom.  All man-dogs like myself put great consideration into optimal pooping locations- taking into account weather, temperature, wind patterns....there is just so much to say about this

1)   Men over-feed.  It's a fact.   They don't give a flying fart if  I get fat. And more is always better.

Thank you all for reading.
Post Script:  To "Leah's biggest fan"- I appreciate your sentiments.  Though I do wish you would identify yourself,  or simply change your name to "Hamish's biggest fan"  I hope you will comment further, whoever you are.

A Rebuttal

I put my feet in my mouth often.  Which is both tasty and satisfying ( for any foot-itch), as well as reassuring.  But it seems I have proverbially stuck my foot in my mouth....(still not sure why that is a bad thing at all) with relation to this Joe issue.  Joe has been calling Leah his girlfriend, and us his family for many weeks.  So I felt it appropriate to publish my post about the difficulties of sharing the bed with a boyfriend etc. etc.   Well little did I know that when I tagged Joe in our facebook announcement his other girlfriend would contact us.  So it seems that Joe has had another girlfriend this whole time.  Needless to say I am horrified that my blog post led to such troubling news ( though somewhat relieved to have the truth out).  It seems I have made a serious error in character judgement, as I believed Joe to be totally sincere.  Leah is obviously horrified and disgusted.
I have taken down "I hold these truths to be self-evident part II" out of respect for my distraught human.  That post contained my brilliant poem: "A poem for Joe."  A work I believe to be of particular poetic genius, and an excellent example of my free verse abilities....but enough about me....I am more deeply troubled by a more serious concern.
Leah seems determined to give up on the prospect of men altogether.  Oh sad day to think that we wouldn't have a boyfriend ever again because of this one disappointment!( ahem- Leah insists I clarify- this is another in a string of many disappointments.)But I am a great lover of men.  I have been adored by many these years, but the complex balance in relationships requires my human's interaction to achieve the correct attention and devotion from the man.  Otherwise we cannot properly bond for man-dog fun.
Leah is so greatly discouraged she says she will never date again.  I refuse to be so disheartened. The answer is obvious. This man was just not good enough for us.  I call upon all our close friends and relations to help halt this downward spiral! Give my human renewed faith that somewhere out there...beneath the pale moonlight....someone's thinking of us...and loving us tonight.....
whoops. that's someone's else's song.
Give my human renewed faith that somewhere in this big wide world is a wonderful partner for her and our little animal family! Thank you.

I hold these truths to be self-evident: Part I

My dear readership,
I feel I owe all of my loyal followers a heartfelt apology for my absence of late. I can only totally blame my human, as I am totally dependent upon her for her opposable thumbs. I will offer further explanation but I would be remiss in my duties if I did not first address the most significant change among us: the loss of the Oracle.
At the end of September the Oracle of Joy left this world and traveled to the rainbow bridge, where he will await his humans. The Oracle is survived by the whole of his human family, and of course many disciples. He lived a long full life of uninhibited happiness, and he left us peacefully with the help of his humans. He exuded joyfulness at all times and I myself regarded him as a great mentor.  We all feel his loss deeply, and strive to carry on his mission of happiness.

I know that I have been long absent from this ingenious blog of mine, but dear readers, when you hear my reasons you will have to forgive me.  I simply refuse to submit to censorship of any kind. I demand my right to free speech, and though many may feel the first amendment is not meant to apply to dogs, I disagree! Many attempts have been made to blog in the last few months, and all have been met with the same criticism.  It seems my thoughts and opinions of late have all been deemed inappropriate or offensive subject matter for this blog. Great concern was expressed that my latest musings will most definately offend and shock friends, family, and colleagues.  I was reminded at length that this blog is read by close friends and connections, not total strangers, and I was told in no uncertain terms that if I were to continue in this manner, publishing another post was totally out of the question.  Apparently I am selfish, arrogant, and tactless. I must learn diplomacy, resist such biting sarcasm, and practice the art of subtlety.  If you are reading this then I have succeeded to some extent. I am thoroughly chastised, and I don't really give a hair on a cat's arse if I offend anyone, but my human is editing.

Firstly, I was thrilled at the arrival of the Italians.  It was confusing at first, since we have to come and go through different doors now, but sharing the house with Giovanni and his family is quite pleasant.  He lives with a dog named Dotta, and she is very lovely, though Nessarose doesn't like us playing together. Of course their arrival confined us to the small apartment at the back of the house.  Leah was very angry about this at first, but we have excellent cozy furniture, and though it has been quite chilly in the mornings our little suite of rooms is lovely.

Secondly, Cheyenne moved out and has left the empoyment of the Ridge. Leah may love Cheyenne, but I am not so sad that I no longer have to share the furniture with Lucy.  She would always sleep in my favorite chair. And she has gas.  Leah has been very sad about Cheyenne leaving, she talks about it often and shares her hopes that she won't be gone forever. Apparently Cheyenne belongs to Angus (the African) now, and  she will have to do whatever he says. Our little family is changed forever. It is quite inconvenient that I can no longer frame Chili for pooping in the living room...
We got a boyfriend too.  But Leah says rather, he will have to do everything she says. His name is Joe.  He is very tall, and Leah smiles a lot whenever he is here. It took a few days to work out the sleeping arrangements, but we have achieved an optimal situation where Nessarose and I have full half of the bed and Leah and Joe fit nicely together in the other half.  This makes up for all of the other nonsense that goes on in the bed which I have been expressly forbidden from writing about, since Leah says, and I quote  " My mother reads this blog, you cannot talk about - - -!!"  I could do without all that moaning and groaning etc. but since he doesn't steal my pillow I am willing to say that Joe's a keeper. More on Joe later.

Thirdly, Piglets.  Don't even get me started about piglets.  Leah and Joe are having a piglet together.  Which apparently means we are going to have to move?  We already live on a farm. Where will we move to? I hate moving. I have never known any piglets but I am sure I will hate piglets. My half of the bed is full.  We will have to have a bigger bed to have a piglet.  There is nothing more to say about this. I am not supposed to talk about it.


Fourthly, we remain broke.  Leah went on vacation without us in September, as she could not afford my airfare. I was left alone for a whole week!  In fact I believe the main reason I have been allowed to write this blog is in the hope that it will lead to Oprah.  Well all roads lead to Oprah anyway... I would like to give up horses and devote myself to writing full time.  My first children's book is in the research and development stages.  I simply need more time with my human to fully flesh out my ideas. I suggest a cabin in the woods for several months to focus on our literary genius, but Leah says we will have no money for meat and cheese, or even kibble, so that's out of the question.  We even got in a tiff over it and I suggested she go out and find a job that paid us enough to live in a cabin in the woods.  Alone. This caused a lot of crying, more talk of piglets, and other totally unintelligible emotional mumbling, along with rocking and hugging of me....the terrier. Apparently her dreams are dying....although lately they seem to be more vibrant and even visionary.  But that's all I can say about that.  ( Our vision is going to make us rich!  Once we share it with Oprah).


Sidebar:  I have been immortalized upon my human's wrist.  Forever.